The Hideous Portrait: An Artistic Journey,
warts and all.

Today's work is something I'm somewhat proud of. It started randomly with a burnt umber sketch that quickly resembled a human figure and then random colors trying to fill the canvas. This was the sheet of primed paper. Didn't make much difference though I wonder whether this allowed for the paper to be more waterproof, thus warping less. Or perhaps it was the numerous staples I put. I'll never know. In any case, it's 70x100cm which is a manageable size for a "one session" though due to the lack of electricity in my studio and the later hours that I wake up, I can't stay more than 2 or 3h. In other words, I didn't finish it yet, but I plan on finishing it soon. Towards the end, I started getting realistic which I like a lot. If I get the chance, I hope to study a bit the elbow and the light on it but knowing myself, I'll probably wing it. The arms are disproportionately long, but I don't mind. I enjoyed creating the flesh color, the highligh

Today I went back to the studio and kept working on the "ruins" painting. Very slowly, it's coming along. Apparently it's not going to turn into something else, but at least I'm managing to cover the initial sloppy brushstrokes. Had I know it would had taken me this long, I would had been more systematic. Anyway, looking back, it seems to be improving which is nice; the shapes in the pillar on the left getting better and I'm there is a 3D space emerging. I also like lighting surfaces. I've also explored "undoing" my latest brushstrokes by using a rug to remove the dry paint and mixing precise colors by trying to match the underlying color. It's a good exercise one that I'm sure will teach me a few things more. I als want to start putting in lost edges, better reflected light, and perhaps textures. Will see if I ever get that chance to finish it. After all, I have one or two more weeks in that space and in the meantime I plan on working on

Today I did some head drawing and some VR sculpting which I won't include here since I don't even know how to export it. I'm satisfied with the overall results,they are interesting. I'm still struggling with the eyes - I need to get back to formally studying it at some point. I did a coule of poses too and they were better than anticipated given that I hadn't done it for quite some time!

I went to the studio, unpinned two artworks from last few days and primed with gesso a new piece paper. I left it to dry and went home. Eventually I did another watercolor piece into this strange style that I've concocted that I'm not sure I like all too much (it lacks three-dimentionality) but for some reason I keep on doing it, so I do it. It one of the most balanced pieces so can't say it's all bad, and there are quite a lot of risks that I took while making it, which felt really nice! 

Today I decided not to go to the studio and intead go outdoors and enjoy some "nature". At home I picked up my watercolors and did one of these pieces. While I liked many things during the process I don't like the end result as much, but I'm not sure whether this is a matter of getting acquainted to it. In any case, I'm glad I did NOT work in the studio today, that I worked with watercolors, that I experimented with lots of little stuff and from the end result I like the use of black, the palette and the strokes used to make the composition.

Today has been good in the sense that I've both wrapped up one piece and started another one. The "Ruins" (working title) painting is still on pause; these days I'm all for the spontaneity, can't have a more meticulous approach. I am fairly satisfied with how this Archangel Geisha piece evolved.  The second piece of the day is a relatively "small" piece (50x70cm) made on colored paper which has this eerie resemblance to some of my most intuitive works on the iPad - I love drawing/painting like that, it allows me to be very dynamic, and the end result is also beautiful in my eyes. Perhaps this will evolve into my trademark style one day. Who knows. For now the piece feels complete, but I didn't sign it in case I want to make some correction tomorrow. 

Still fumbling my way around. Last night I realized that I was already dreading how I would continue the last piece (which in turn was a pause from the other "burdening" piece I was working on). I decided to take it easy, and get rid of the sense that there is something precious about this piece, and work freely on it. I tempted luck, because as I was working using masking tape, the paper started peeling off leaving me with a ruined painting. At that point I decided to free myself from any expectation and start experimenting on this large piece of wasted euros; I started adding pastels on top of the acrylic, and now something is emerging. I still have plans, to rework it on top with acrylic so I first used fixative spray and we'll see where we go from here. The highlight of the attempt was the intensity of creativity that sprung up as soon as I was no longer afraid of "ruining the work".

Today I felt that I had too much pent up energy and that I wouldn't want to be working on the last big piece, I wanted to start something new. I checked in, but the idea of something small wouldn't cut it; it had to be big. So I unpinned one of the pieces still hanging on the wall, and fixated an big piece of paper and started something. Filling a white canvas is such a struggle. At the end of the day, looking back at the photo of it, I'm not even sure this is something that makes sense in this scale. Still I'm learning stuff. I've also just realized that today I wanted something explosive/fast, but I've just created a new piece for me that will have to be worked for days to come. At the end of the day I did some cartoon-heads for the kicks. Anyway, I like the colors, and the fact that I listened to my desire to do something anew today.

Today I continued the piece. To my disappointment, progress is very slow. I'm even scared that it might be even slower the next few days. At the same time, I realize that acrylics drying fast means that I can't blend anything with the colors from yesterday. Suddenly all those "loose" and "sloppy" strokes are hard to eradicate; they show through. And unless I start building up color with a huge brush again (and killing all detailing), I don't see how I can get rid of them without spending an eternity on the painting. On the other hand, I'm enjoying a lot the ability to tune the color/light since you just have to wait for it to dry to have it overworked and I'm trying all these things that I think by the end of the painting will have given me invaluable experience!

I skipped going to the studio today since it war raining and was too dark to work. Yet I escaped the compulsion to work on the ipad (and do some character sketching) and instead did some soul-nurturing watercolors. After spending some time with pastels and acrylics on big canvases, it feels so easy and mess-free to open my watercolors kit and then wash my paintbrush. I'm happy in three different ways today; for a start I went for the more tactile and physical medium; I needed the grounding after spending time on zoom calls and on VR. Secondly I enjoyed the process a lot and the end results while not perfect - is an unafraid experiment of different ideas. Come to think I had always been doing that; every painting has been an experiment, they even start with no idea, palette or technique. Kudos to me for that! But today I am more aware and celebrating this aspect of it much more.

  Went back to the studio to work on the same piece today. I gradually thickened the paint layers and started adding details. I'm not sure I like how I darkened the rightmost light-shaft, but the good news is that with acrylics you can lighten stuff up; yay for opaque colors! Comparing it to yesterday's work, I'm disappointed that there hasn't been some major shift in the umph of the image, but then again that is because details can't change the overall composition. If I'm to point out the positive aspect of it all, first of all it's no worse(?) than before and seeing how little impact today's changes had, I'm starting to realize that I can't "screw it up to much" (unless I do). Anyway, I'm glad I'm learning acrylics, and working on a large fantasy(?) theme piece, I'm also glad to see my iPad workflow being applicable in the physical space and I'm finally glad that I'm exploring another interesting world.

Finally, having finished the pastels piece, I moved on to varnish it (thus signaling the end of this piece) and prepared another big piece of paper for acrylics. This turned out quite pretty; I worked most of the time on building up color with thin paint and barely started using more opaque colors before dark. A part of me is happy that it turned out this intriguing and good, another part surprised that the kind of stuff I draw on the ipad popped up here, and another part is worried that there is so much undecided, and so much that can go wrong that I fear. Nonetheless, I like the composition, and how I've moved on from the last piece!

  That was it! Finally wrapped up. Not that I'm the happiest with it, but I've reached a point that I can no longer correct mistakes (whenever I keep working, the underying colors mix to a muddy color). Plus, I feel I need to move onto something new, something more dynamic. I'm more excited with discovering new things than exploring them thorougly.  I'll have another look at it the next couple of days, and if there is nothing glaring that I can fix, I'll seal it with fixative spray! Today I am most proud of being able to wrap things up and starting to listen to what I want to be doing before I completely burn myself out! hurrah!

This is the third day working on this painting. By now, progress has become very slow; it's suddenly become precious too; I dread ruining it when changing anything in the composition. White spaces have slowly been running out and I wonder what will happen if they are completely gone. In any case, despite feeling that certain things I liked more in the original unrefined form, I'm glad it's still nice in my eyes. I like the textures that have appeared, the fact that certain subconscious motifs remained and came out on their own during the end (eg the pine-apple); the irony doesn't escape me that this painting is a still life of fruits and vegetables, something that I completely hate and have tried to avoid in my life, and yet, it's visiting me from within! Anyway, can't wait to finish it, so I can go on something new!

Progressive work. Today I continued working on the last piece. I am enjoying this quite a lot, and other than the process, the very fact that the artwork is bigggggg is an added plus! Other than exploring the medium and the forms that emerge out of the initial randomness I am happy about two things: That I managed to put aside yesterday’s demotivation and keep doing it for myself, and that I creating a physically Large piece of work that I also happen to enjoy doing and it’s aesthetics. It’s particularly interesting to comment on how I overcame the critique - the first thing I realized is that while valid in some context, it wasn’t valid in my context because I liked my composition so I’m not sure why deviate from it. It’s as if somebody was telling me “no, you’re doing it wrong, you must go eastwards”. And then I’d have to ask: What lies eastwards? Why would I want to go that way? There can be many answers, employability, baroque is eastwards, or I thought you wanted to go to lidl. T

A mixed bucket - first of all, I couldn't work big on the wall so I decided to do something smaller on the easel - this has been so pleasurable (100x70cm). Oil pastels are my new favourite. Had it only been my feedback, I would had been so happy, with the exception that I didn't have the time to finish the whole piece in one sitting so I'll have to get back tomorrow (?) to it. However I got some criticism on it, and while it's well-meaning and thoughtful, as the day moved on made me realize that it had somehow poisoned the happiness.  It's sad how fragile my inspiration is. Anyway, getting back to the positivity train: This has been a great day; I discovered pastels, worked on my technique with them, and did a piece that I personally find very very satisfying! Now I have the challenge to take out of criticism only what I need not in terms of technique, but in terms of motivation!

Finally! Four months we've been trying to get to the point that I can use the studio for large scale drawings (or any drawings whatsoever). Things were finally in place, only I was missing from the equation! Today I had a bout of insomnia, so I got up early and decided this was the day (after all we have to empty the studio in the next 30 days). I struggled with some white canvas/paper freight  - I hadn't worked in anything bigger than an A4 page for 11 years and even before that I had never worked in anything bigger. Today both pieces were 1,5m at their long dimension. I decided to put my fear aside, forget about the results, and start. Such a pleasure! I started with the charcoal sketch (which I personally find complete in itself) and as if this wasn't enough I went on to an acrylic piece! I'm so happy for both of them; while the charcoal-piece fells complete, the acrylic one is a bigger success! And while I was frugal with my paints (plus my brushes didn't allow

Today has been a productive day since I managed to go outdoors for painting and had an early start. After some consideration I refrained from doing anything plein air related since it still felt a topic charged with expectation of performance. After some time struggling, I managed to pickup the sketchbook and paint a bit. At the time I didn't like the end result, but now that I see it, I'm quite satisfied. I like the colors, and I also got the chance to try enhancing the local color-contrast something I hadn't tried much before. After that I filled a sheet with characters and heads, and then did some heads on the ipad which I like for two reason; First I feel that I'm closer to cracking the head and secondly I managed to work with a thicker brush at a lower zoom level which is good since I always end up working pixelated. Time for bed

Dry doodles today, but it all started quite well.The first sheet, that I did while watching a workshop has been very nice; the black and white play, all very interesting. The brushpen rocks. Nothing particularly bad on the other two sheets, but I feel it's somewhat lacking. Both heads and postures feel as if I've lost my touch. Anyway, enough for now.

sToday only doodles. It feels as if I'm losing my ability to draw gestures and heads; as if it's all becoming a vague memory that I can no longer support in my head. I'm not sure if it truly is so, or if I'm biased. Anyway, looking back at the doodles of the day, the heads are not that bad, and neither the postures. I am finding scenes with multiple characters (crowds) very intriguing. To sum up, the highlight of the day is the fact that I once again kept at it, and the realization that I'm questioning whether I'm devolving, or blind to my current level.

I tried to recapture yesterday's success in watercolors, but not much luck to be honest. This one feels uninteresting, dark and ...muddy. Whatever! I like the color's sky and paper. I also like the greens and purpes in the palette; It's also been educational for sure. Time for some rest!

Today's highlight is by far the watercolor painting on my Khadi sketchbook which I'm in deep love with; if only I were hardbound so that I could carry it with me!! Amazing cotton paper! At the most part, I've overlayed 5 to 10 layers of paint and the paper didn't show any level of saturation.  This piece I also love because it's probably one of the most balanced in this style; I've managed to keep all individual brush-strokes from sticking out too much. At the same time, there is a style that's been emerging in this and similar works. I like a lot this sense of something, that you are not sure what it is, but it feels as if it's something real nonetheless. I had seen once an ML generated image where everything reminded of something, but the brain couldn't pinpoint anything exactly; the exact opposite of dreams where the "idea" of something is there, but the details are not. Here, are details, but the "idea" is missing. I've el

Another day, stuck in a semi-conscious pattern of trying to ride the last wave. Another brush-pen explorative sketch, another day doodling stuff while listening to people chatting on discord hoping that inspiration strikes, that the hand builds enough momentum for the forms to just flow... It's not one of these happy days, but if I pay attention to my work, one sketch after another, regardless of the negativity that my mind screams, they still carry positive traits. That's why I'm here; to point out the good ones and dispel the bad ones. The ink sketch was an interesting experiment. I used ink that I hadn't used for a long time (Deleter Manga ink) that was already half-dry and started painting random shapes. Due to the dryness, the brush was leaving a lot of texture and I enjoyed it; interesting forms were emerging from it. I don't know if it's harming the brush (I hope not) but it's definitely a nice style to paint in. Then I started mixing it with water w

Naturally a disaster after a few days of "magic". Technically it isn't a disaster - I've done worse doodle-sheets; actually these are quite full of interesting characters and, vehicles in perspective, contour lines, and above all great assemblies of men (and cupids). But the initial impression is that I didn't manage to reach the same level of warming up as yesterday and didn't produce anything particularly impressive.  Still (and I need to remember that), I did my dues today, I spent quite some time doing it (3?4h?), managed to fight the sense that I can't (or worse that I ought to) beat the last few days streak, did some nice vehicles using contour lines, and some very interesting bodies in 3D space narrating stories!

Awesome day; one of those that you don't want to go to bed because you're so productive. I started with a watercolor sketch where I particularly liked the mountains in the horizon. Then I did some ellipses practice and finally started doodling. This was the good part. Humans and animals in various poses and orientations in space, buildings, skulls, winged angels and spooky trees! I did a bulky, shaded, head from various angles and various expressions, and wrapped up with very interesting sheet: Half of it was boxes rotated in 3D space with skulls, heads, and fantastic beasts encapsulated inside and the second half has been a crazy composition of ruins in a desert with long shadows. A non-linear perspective, and trying to describe shapes by their long shadows. It was fascinating sketching all that! Some (like the temple on the left) was designed first and then I tried calculating (imagining) the shadows whereas the tower and the circular sanctuary at the bottom left was design

I reluctantly did some plein air but due to not having time, after 5 minutes I wrapped up, took a photo, and finished the work at home. It was okay; I managed to save it I feel (though I don't like working from photos). The highlight is that I tried to do some "color lifting". Then I picked up my iPad and started doodling; I was far from yesterday's beast performance, but I managed to put my disappointment aside, and just enjoy these awkward and imperfect doodles. However, it was highly creative, in a different way than yesterday. I also noticed that while I watching a talk between Loish and another artist, I would catch glimpses from their artwork and grab some details; an eye, some feathers, a necklace, a shape and this would give me a stimulus for the next thing to start. This was so fun! I wonder if I could have monitors play random pinterest images for 5sec or so and wheneven I need some push, look in that direction! Sounds very creative and playful! I also di