The Hideous Portrait: An Artistic Journey,
warts and all.

I thought I was on top of it; I had finished early and was looking for a movie to watch already 3 hours ago. And I don't know how time went by. A phonecall, some networking studying, some online shopping and here we are, already past the time for an early movie. Regardless, today is a special day. The blog is over! I finished 365 days of daily painting and recording it, whatever that means. A big part of the process I will have to keep doing mainly for myself. Perhaps taking daily photos of my work and saving it on some folder. This has provem useful many times when I trying to date a piece I've been working on. Also making a small diary of today's achievements. It's still useful. But this will be done for my eyes only. I also don't know if I will be continuing my obsessively daily painting. How would life be if I had days off? Now for example that I'm moving out and I have to daily chores that until now were completely taken care of, perhaps I'll allow my

I like how things worked out these last few days. On one hand I'm overwhelmed by reseaching on what to do about my new apartment and studio, looking for compact wall-easel solutions, light and everyday stuff like a sofa of painting the wall. I can see how this is completely draining me (choice, indecision regardless of the topic, tires me, and drains me of creativity). On the other hand, I still do find some time to both post instagram art (albeit less thoughfully) and at the same time work a bit every day. Today I did some watercolor and ink sketches, trying to bridge my "digital" doodling self, to my analogue one. I'm quite satisified. Among others, I did an interesting self-portrait, did a couple large "worldbuilding" attempts, and also got to combine ink with a few watercolors! That felt non-purist, and very invigorating! Time for rest! Oh, and here we are: One day, before the last! Tomorrow is the final day of this blog. I don't know if this will

How long has it been since I last did ipad art? How long has it been since I last did doodling in procreate? Today I logged onto discord and did some. It was quiet, for a change I wasn't too concerned with what others where thinking: I have the armor of somebody who is not part of that competitive world, but in the more wide world of artmaking. Of course this is only because it's been a long time that I haven't been there. Something tells me that if I keep coming back I might start loosing the armor. I did lots of skulls and figures today. Various styles, from sculputry heads to cartoony, to disney to anime. Lots of body-postures. I am overall happy with my performance after such a long time not doing anything related. I also happy about a few characters; there is personality and looseness in the line and the postures. I also did a number of hands, all very successful. Today felt like "I am fluent in these things". In other news, I'm working in setting up my s

For today only a bit of studying the human form via sculpting. I enjoyed the challenge of it: Trying to see the relative position of body details in 3D space! I can't imaging getting to the point that I can do what I do in 2D space in all 3 dimensions, but I'm sure that any improvement is good. Other than that today I focused mostly on photographing artwork; I've decided that two pieces are a wrap. I am glad I didn't push myself too much, neither do I feel bad about it which is an improvement. Time for rest.

I almost forgot writing my entry today! Got back and turned my computer on. Today I tried to be relaxed and took out the "cheap" watercolors trying to something that isn't too consequential but something fun instead. Not sure I enjoyed it (apparently, it doesn't work if you expect it to work) but I did three small pieces. A part of the success is that I kept them simple. I accepted the faxt that these pieces didn't have to be anything important. The second thing I enjoyed was remembering how these watercolors perform. It wasn't as impressive as that one time, but still they were quite fun. Finally I like that I re-did that reclined human posture. There is something about it that I like. Achilles drinking while reclined. I don't know where this impring comes from. In any case, this has been a productive day (despite not having made any "instaworthy" painting - I hate how I measure everything by that standard now and how this is taxing me). I got

Today I focused on maintainance: I had already 6 pieces in progress so I found myself in the mood of wrapping up a couple of them. What is more, I had the exciting realization that if I heat my pastels up, they soften and their properties change making it easier to layer them up further which is good since a)summer has arrived and b) I work in thick layers so I need as much reworkability as possible. Overall I'm satisfied with the progress. One of the mini-games I play with myself is trying to match the colors that I had produced when I was creating the painting. After some days have gone by, it's no longer obvious which colors produce a certain mixture so there is some guesswork, trial and error and some experience accumulation taking place. Today I also got to visit my new apartment that is going to act as my very own studio which is an exciting development! Time for rest.

I'd say today's highlight has been that I painted the human form from imagination after seeing it in my mind's eye over a number of sketches. Of course seeing it is a stretch - In reality I had a glimpse of some part of the body and a notion of the general posture and I'd try to put it on the paper. I'm happy though overall. It's a way of painting I haven't cultivated, yet my "training" has all been so that it will enable me to fill in the gaps. Plus I did some attempts at trying to paint reflections in mirrors; I think I understand the general principle, though it's a bit heuristic/constructive and I wonder if there is a more ...artistic (ie less mental) approach. Other than that, I painted for only a few minutes the Venus piece: I started planning on painting, but I couldn't stand from some inexplicable tiredness which is crazy and eventually got back inside and started sketching in the sofa. I'm worried that I am too scared to attemp

Today I resumed work on the strange inner landscape and later started a new piece since I was tired of the slow grind on that (and other pieces). Unfortunately, despite my initial decision to stop working my pieces over and over again, I still do it; Currently I have 6 half-finished pieces; never been this many! In any case, I think it's time to move on from my "inner landscape" and perhaps a couple more of the open pieces. What went well today? I like the level of refining I give to the inner landscape piece; I feel much more competent with pastels lately. I'm starting to give them a painterly feel. The next piece started again with a quick sketch. I like the posture, the strange symbols, the shapes, and the giant cat. It has very beautiful colors. Looking forward to further defining that piece since it's already incomplete.

Today I did some further painting on the strange inner landscape painting. I had the chance to practice a bit switching to a "less precious" mindset. It was a low-consequence piece so it was relative easy but challenging enough. I also enjoyed overworking the dry(er) underlayer and started observing how some colors are more easy to mix. I like how I'm practicing rendering on it. Later I resumed work on the VR sculpt I've been working on. It didn't turn out as wow as I would had hoped. I don't like the face and the ground all that much.I don't know why I don't want to put the headset on and do a few changes. There is a deeply held belief that altering something is sacrilege. No matter how that something is wrong or ugly. I'm first realizing this as I'm writing down. "Correcting" something spontaneous is sacrilege. Funnily, I've been working days on that piece, but that doesn't thwart the spontaneity. Deleting a stroke right a

Today I had a much wanted relief. I also had a very relaxed day but that was mainly because I was psychologically down and I hadn't slept so I could only take it easy. But in regards to painting, I went at the beach and sat there. After some time fighting with the "need" to be productive and paint something from life, I decided to completely blow it and instead do childish stuff. Not instaworthy, nothing, just simplistic fun. I'm very fond about the two pieces that I create. I like lots about them; from the naivity, to the use of colors, to the shading, to the texture on the turtlue... To the depiction of the entering soul into the body. All was nice! And was relaxing and fun too! And definitely these are two pieces that I might post on instagram; they're not bad. Time for rest.

After yesterday's rough patch, I woke up today and went on to painting, doing sculpting and the rest of the chores. I did it out of a place of tiredness; This isn't the worse way of doing things, it's not the best either. I was too tired to try and fight it so I did what I found easiest. The despair is there (though in the background, I'm too tired to bother) - the future looks completely opaque but at least there is not struggle in the present. Only mourning. Regarding the piece, I am not too happy about how it turned out; It became too busy in the central portion between the sage and the sleeping woman. Unfortunately I feel (perhaps it's the despair speaking) incapable of the making something good with this region full of hairstrands. I don't feel very competent painting hair. But it's been practice nonethess so that's something positive. Other parts have been more successful too: I spent quite some time visualizing color variations in my head (I'

Another time that I feel I've almost blown it up, and I'm too tired to care. I did VR sculpting today but I won't bother exporting it now - I'm too tired and too frustrated to bother and it's already 5am. I am drained. I am at a point that I can't see myself painting. I'm trying to remember that there is "fun" in it, but I'm blind to it right now. I'm overwhelmed by the expectations of sustaining my instagram presence, the expectations about growing, the psychological investment in making it something that financially sustains me, the despair that yells "this doesn't seem too possible" and on top of that, the simple, but debilitating rule, "paint every day". It hurts so much. It's silly, I could simply draw a line and call it a day. But the sense that I am not free to do something else today, that I have to do it, hurts a lot. And I'm overwhelmed as f__k. I have to do a couple things tomorrow and I want to pu

Today's work has been a deviation from what I normally would do: I started an elaborate sketch of heads. A very design-ey and illustrative work (I'm ashamed of that!!!) but it's coming out nicely. I think in part it was prompted by yesterday feeling so incompetent. It's sad how easily I am being swayed. Anyway, Lot's to like about the piece today: Good skull anatomy, nice shading, good composition. I also like that the top-left head is prolonged something that I create very often and feel shame about. At the end of the day it's not imcompetence: I can still do well-proportioned heads, but for some reason these keep coming again and again. What if this my personal touch and all I have to do is accept them? Today has been a step in that direction. I also liked a lot that I approached oil pastels in a more etchy style - thin lines one next to the other, creating the sense of color variety and withouth oversaturating the paper so early in the process. At the end, I

What do we have today? A very, unproductive day. It was a very busy day, and I'm happy that I'm being kind enough to myself to wrap up at this time (it's midnight) and do something more fun)... oh okay.. I just said something more fun that drawing. That means something. It means that I'm already way into "chore" territory. I have to be careful. Anyway. Today's doodles were very tired thought there are a few things that I like; a couple faces, and some patterns. I also got test "chalk pastels" that I got in lidl but they were horrible. Not only is the "chalk" giving my unpleasant shivers down my spine but I don't see how this material is any good. Then again I did use it with water and like the graphite or the watercolors it was very interesting so I might using like that! Today I'll dwell a bit more on the negative stuff. I saw some students work that was so good that I suddenly felt very insufficient. I also had a few more to

Why do I even bother giving names to my posts? They rarely have anything to do with the artwork lately. In any case, I'm starting another entry mindful of the fact that this year is coming to an end. It's funny when I started I started without knowing how long I would go on (I'd even complain about it for quite some time). At the time I couldn't see the urge to keep doing the challenge subsiding. Eventually I gave up the notion of giving up. And here I am, finally ready to move on. I'm not sure if there is a lesson here about not worrying too much about obsessiveness since (even that) runs out eventually; I'm not sure I would had decided so easily to stop had it not been for my instagram account needing so much energy. In any case, here we are today, Two weeks before the end. Today I kept working on the last painting. I don't know if this painting will "take off" (perhaps not) but there are some good things that emerged today: I did some more ex

Today's piece has been another new start. I enjoyed a lot working on it, and while I don't enjoy the end result as much, I still have hope for it to reach some intriguing state. I like lots about it: The fact that I started with dark paper but made it light, how I built the forms (I did some extensive sketching that I built into solid forms) - the palette (oily colors, with ochre undertones) - the volume of the branches and the challenging overall composition. In genera I like it a lot for what I did while painting. And what is more: I love the fact that I tried yet something different!!! How cool is that being able to explore new worlds! I hope I never lose this!

Today has been very inspiring. It was a frustrating day and I almost gave up painting in the balcony. In retrospection this was possibly to trying to photograph the last piece (Fortification) which caused me a lot of backpain which in turn caused me a lot of short temper. Not that the day wasn't frustrating already. However (and I'm not sure how this happened) I found myself painting! I decided to start a new piece and channel my frustration and this piece emerged. This is probably one of the dearest ones. I don't know if it is something I could ever sell, but to my eyes it's intriguing. I don't know why I choose the poses that I do. There is something to it however. The palette got me excited, and the freedom to do something "mediocre" was very welcome after working on the same pieces! I (think) I've made up my mind that I should be less involved in perfecting my pieces which in turn makes me very careful and thus un-creative and focus more on gettin

Another day that I won't be posting images since they are so hard to get out of the headset. Perhaps I'll update them all together nextime I connect the headset. How has it been today? A practice day. Anatomy practice. I did mostly sculpts (I find this a very interesting tool) not sketches. I'm seeing that my brain was used to learning by sketching so now by sculpting I wonder whether I'm retaining the same things. Regardless, it's a nice experience. I also wonder if there is some established practice where people sculpt from life as a studying/mnemonic tool. Today I feel I've solidified a bit more understanding about the body; things that I already subconsciously knew have now started entering their box. I'm looking forward to getting better at it. Time for rest.

Today I took out my pocketbrush (unfortunately the rotring ink is not good fit, it's drying and wearing out the hair probably due to low fluidity) and my watercolors and did sketching on cheap paper. I'm enjoying this process; it's always very rich in productivity, low on risk and usually produces 2-3 good instaworthy sketches that will allow me to do filler posts. Today's work was mostly figurative. I'm quite satisified; seems that yesterday's studying of the Discobolus wasn't useless and I came up with more understanding of the body. I believe that if I keep doing it, I'll build a good understanding of the major muscles, and boney protrusions of the male body. I was also feeling in a very dancey-mood, and I was trying to create postures pushing the human body. While many didn't exactly work out (eg. my Icaruses) I still feel they were almost there. Not in terms of results (this was very off) but I could feel that I missed something minor that I&#