day #365 - the end of an era

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I thought I was on top of it; I had finished early and was looking for a movie to watch already 3 hours ago. And I don't know how time went by. A phonecall, some networking studying, some online shopping and here we are, already past the time for an early movie. Regardless, today is a special day. The blog is over! I finished 365 days of daily painting and recording it, whatever that means. A big part of the process I will have to keep doing mainly for myself. Perhaps taking daily photos of my work and saving it on some folder. This has provem useful many times when I trying to date a piece I've been working on. Also making a small diary of today's achievements. It's still useful. But this will be done for my eyes only. I also don't know if I will be continuing my obsessively daily painting. How would life be if I had days off? Now for example that I'm moving out and I have to daily chores that until now were completely taken care of, perhaps I'll allow my
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day #354 - Burned out.

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Another time that I feel I've almost blown it up, and I'm too tired to care. I did VR sculpting today but I won't bother exporting it now - I'm too tired and too frustrated to bother and it's already 5am. I am drained. I am at a point that I can't see myself painting. I'm trying to remember that there is "fun" in it, but I'm blind to it right now. I'm overwhelmed by the expectations of sustaining my instagram presence, the expectations about growing, the psychological investment in making it something that financially sustains me, the despair that yells "this doesn't seem too possible" and on top of that, the simple, but debilitating rule, "paint every day". It hurts so much. It's silly, I could simply draw a line and call it a day. But the sense that I am not free to do something else today, that I have to do it, hurts a lot. And I'm overwhelmed as f__k. I have to do a couple things tomorrow and I want to pull my hair out. Not pleasant things, by all means, but wanting to pull my hair means I'm stretched already too thin. I've lost the balance again. The question is how do I regain it without stopping everything? How do I yawm the tiredness away? How do take a break without taking a break? I'm so frustrated. Time for bed.

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