The Hideous Portrait: An Artistic Journey,
warts and all.

Today I resumed work on the strange inner landscape and later started a new piece since I was tired of the slow grind on that (and other pieces). Unfortunately, despite my initial decision to stop working my pieces over and over again, I still do it; Currently I have 6 half-finished pieces; never been this many! In any case, I think it's time to move on from my "inner landscape" and perhaps a couple more of the open pieces. What went well today? I like the level of refining I give to the inner landscape piece; I feel much more competent with pastels lately. I'm starting to give them a painterly feel. The next piece started again with a quick sketch. I like the posture, the strange symbols, the shapes, and the giant cat. It has very beautiful colors. Looking forward to further defining that piece since it's already incomplete.

Today I did some further painting on the strange inner landscape painting. I had the chance to practice a bit switching to a "less precious" mindset. It was a low-consequence piece so it was relative easy but challenging enough. I also enjoyed overworking the dry(er) underlayer and started observing how some colors are more easy to mix. I like how I'm practicing rendering on it. Later I resumed work on the VR sculpt I've been working on. It didn't turn out as wow as I would had hoped. I don't like the face and the ground all that much.I don't know why I don't want to put the headset on and do a few changes. There is a deeply held belief that altering something is sacrilege. No matter how that something is wrong or ugly. I'm first realizing this as I'm writing down. "Correcting" something spontaneous is sacrilege. Funnily, I've been working days on that piece, but that doesn't thwart the spontaneity. Deleting a stroke right a

Today I had a much wanted relief. I also had a very relaxed day but that was mainly because I was psychologically down and I hadn't slept so I could only take it easy. But in regards to painting, I went at the beach and sat there. After some time fighting with the "need" to be productive and paint something from life, I decided to completely blow it and instead do childish stuff. Not instaworthy, nothing, just simplistic fun. I'm very fond about the two pieces that I create. I like lots about them; from the naivity, to the use of colors, to the shading, to the texture on the turtlue... To the depiction of the entering soul into the body. All was nice! And was relaxing and fun too! And definitely these are two pieces that I might post on instagram; they're not bad. Time for rest.

After yesterday's rough patch, I woke up today and went on to painting, doing sculpting and the rest of the chores. I did it out of a place of tiredness; This isn't the worse way of doing things, it's not the best either. I was too tired to try and fight it so I did what I found easiest. The despair is there (though in the background, I'm too tired to bother) - the future looks completely opaque but at least there is not struggle in the present. Only mourning. Regarding the piece, I am not too happy about how it turned out; It became too busy in the central portion between the sage and the sleeping woman. Unfortunately I feel (perhaps it's the despair speaking) incapable of the making something good with this region full of hairstrands. I don't feel very competent painting hair. But it's been practice nonethess so that's something positive. Other parts have been more successful too: I spent quite some time visualizing color variations in my head (I'

Another time that I feel I've almost blown it up, and I'm too tired to care. I did VR sculpting today but I won't bother exporting it now - I'm too tired and too frustrated to bother and it's already 5am. I am drained. I am at a point that I can't see myself painting. I'm trying to remember that there is "fun" in it, but I'm blind to it right now. I'm overwhelmed by the expectations of sustaining my instagram presence, the expectations about growing, the psychological investment in making it something that financially sustains me, the despair that yells "this doesn't seem too possible" and on top of that, the simple, but debilitating rule, "paint every day". It hurts so much. It's silly, I could simply draw a line and call it a day. But the sense that I am not free to do something else today, that I have to do it, hurts a lot. And I'm overwhelmed as f__k. I have to do a couple things tomorrow and I want to pu

Today's work has been a deviation from what I normally would do: I started an elaborate sketch of heads. A very design-ey and illustrative work (I'm ashamed of that!!!) but it's coming out nicely. I think in part it was prompted by yesterday feeling so incompetent. It's sad how easily I am being swayed. Anyway, Lot's to like about the piece today: Good skull anatomy, nice shading, good composition. I also like that the top-left head is prolonged something that I create very often and feel shame about. At the end of the day it's not imcompetence: I can still do well-proportioned heads, but for some reason these keep coming again and again. What if this my personal touch and all I have to do is accept them? Today has been a step in that direction. I also liked a lot that I approached oil pastels in a more etchy style - thin lines one next to the other, creating the sense of color variety and withouth oversaturating the paper so early in the process. At the end, I

What do we have today? A very, unproductive day. It was a very busy day, and I'm happy that I'm being kind enough to myself to wrap up at this time (it's midnight) and do something more fun)... oh okay.. I just said something more fun that drawing. That means something. It means that I'm already way into "chore" territory. I have to be careful. Anyway. Today's doodles were very tired thought there are a few things that I like; a couple faces, and some patterns. I also got test "chalk pastels" that I got in lidl but they were horrible. Not only is the "chalk" giving my unpleasant shivers down my spine but I don't see how this material is any good. Then again I did use it with water and like the graphite or the watercolors it was very interesting so I might using like that! Today I'll dwell a bit more on the negative stuff. I saw some students work that was so good that I suddenly felt very insufficient. I also had a few more to