The Hideous Portrait: An Artistic Journey,
warts and all.

After all this time, another plein air excursion! I'm so happy that I did it, and with the result too! This is a watercolor piece that had a rough start since I had forgotten my mixing tray and did everything on the brush. Nonetheless, a good piece now that I see it. I can't say it's any close to reality; I quickly moved around all the landmarks in the barren field and started giving it colors that were not present in the region. But I like it! Other than that today I did lots of photoshooting attempts; both with natural and artificial light. Nothing beats natural light!

What can I say, this piece creates very specific ideas in my head. Anyways, straight to the good stuff, since I'm trying to call it a day: While it's by far not a favourite piece of mine, there is nothing in particular that I don't like and I can see that there are a few elements that make it a success: The richness of the palette; plus dozens of layers of color that didn't turn to mud; the overall style that I'm coming to realize is distrinctly mine but above all, the very act of doing another watercolor piece! I'm glad this hadn't been a doodling day; it's particularly tough since I started my instagram account; everything feels consequential. Time for rest!

Today I feel exhausted. Physically but primarily, emotionally exhausted. I spent quite many hours working on lighting my artwork and skyping and only now did I manage to draw a bit. I am pretty happy about the result given the circumstances. I've recently started an instagram account and I can say that sharing my art has suddenly become much more consequential (At least in my mind). Today's piece is one of those things that could had been really good but eventually turned out flawed. A one-shot ink drawing, where I didn't know what I wasn't doing (I started with the head ornaments). Flawed is the word. Possessing both pretty and ugly properties. I love the ornament, the lines, the dark/light balance; the facial characteristics are beautiful but eventually didn't pan out. It's never clear when the pieces takes a turn to for the worse. You know it as soon as you do. And yet, sometimes it's salvageable. Others not; one mistake leads to the next. In any case,

Now that's been painful: I just compared yesterday's work on the piece next to today's work, and it feels pretty much destroyed. That was a stab in the heart. To be honest working on the piece today felt somewhat off and I eventually stopped working long before the sun was down, I knew I shouldn't had been working. Anyways, it's not the end of the world. Derpite, having felt a great deal of excitement while working on the piece yesterday, life goes on! What went well today? Lots of tiny details, the cyan and greens; I like the fleshiness of the reds! I feel very excited working with pastels and the desire to go even bigger has not been dulled! Also, kudos to me for not being afraid to work on the piece despite the expectations! And kudos to me again, for taking it so well, that the piece might not be the best one yet! That's it for now, time for rest!

Oh what a lovely headache. Piece "Paradise Birds"(day #279) is still floating around in the kitchen. It's too precious and fragile to attempt and pack it away like the rest pastel pieces; I used too much pastel and there is a strong 3D effect only retained by the pressure I put while leaving the marks. I gave up putting it away. I can't; The search led me to places looking for varnishes, frames with glass panels... It all stops at the acid-free, anti-static, pH-neutrality. Those archival materials that seems to be so hard to get by. And I'm a freak for archiving stuff, I hate the idea of things degrading over time. And yet my inexperience is bound to cause all kinds of mishaps. So here we are. And yet, I went once again in the balcony, picked up my pastels, and started working on the next piece with bold strokes. I so liked today's foray into the forest. It was a delight on so many levels! Pretty much the epitomy of my aspiration for artistic creation: This

I had more plans for the day, but eventually the energy time was exhausted before I got to doing everything. I did some extensive doodling today while hearing people on discord chat. I'm fairly satisfied; I like exploring the postures, I like the landscapes with theyr rocks, the waves, the desert and the debris... I like the clouds, the trees, the animals, and I like the giant dinos. I particularly like the framing of the top left dino-rider. I am a bit worried that maybe I'll lose motivation for working too many days in digital, but for now I'm still okay. Time for rest!

After going through my sketches I got the strong urge to do again some iPad doodling. Instead I ended up refining the Underwater Kingdom piece. The weakest part to my eyes had been the overall lack of a dramatic camera - I employed a very wideshot that seemed great at the time, but declimaxed the whole atmosphere. The sole figure was at the very center and too small, a scale that had been established by the submarine and could wiggle out of it. Eventually I decided to build a crowd: Since I couldn't make the figure bigger, I decided to introduce more characters. I like the change. I liked the solitude of the initial piece and this is now gone, but I find the new "story" is better both in terms of composition and while different, it's no worse: It's an optimistic take on that story - a family reunion. On the post I've decided to attach only the area that I worked on, so as to make it more visually appealing, compared to posting the same image with slight differ

So, I didn't paint today, or maybe I did. Last night after going to bed I had another night of insomnia, and I managed to fall asleep at 9am. After giving up on sleeping, I picked up my ipad and started doodling in bed. Anyway, these were probably amonst my best doodling sessions. It's not that I did anything good looking, but I felt that my figures were very very alive, and my faces had some character and I even did some foreshortened characters. The second sheets was full of vehicles and buildings from different angles and I feel like I totally nailed it! I'm very satisfied with my "cartooning" for the day. I also did a test in an app called Heavy Paint. When I went to bed at 9am, I was so exhausted, but my hand was working so efficiently! To sum up, I'm happy with both figure drawing, and complex mechanical stuff in perspective and I also got a feeling that maybe I'm getting my breakthrough in character drawing and style!

Day 289. Suddenly 365 feels within my grasp. A part of me feels that this could be a possible end for this blogging journey. It feels whole. Then again I'm thinking that there is still meaning in presenting the struggle over the years. Perhaps in a different format, perhaps not daily posts. Anyway, we still have a couple of months to think about that. For now, let's focus on today's piece. This is another piece that reminds me of myself. These lines? Very me-like. Perhpas I'm not used to doing it with colors, but why not? I like the lines, the motiffs, the space. I like the colors and the various greens I've made. I like the soft palette. I like the yellows, and the soft surfaces VS the sharp strokes. I like how I'm using watercolors with lots of water to create soft tones. I don't know if it's a painting, a drawing or whatever. I'm not 100% proud of this piece; something feels cheap, but I can't pinpoint it. Like yesterday, I'll have to let

It's a very special day today: I did work with acrylics, inside the house.As a background story, I've been avoiding it like the plague; the idea of trying to stay neat and tidy with acrylics in a domestic environment trying not to stain my computer the carpets and the floor, is something I never wanted to go through. There is a feeling of degradation trying to be overly restrained when painting. Yet, I do it with watercolors and markers and the ipad, but I never did with acrylics or oils. So I had been making do with pastels, and even those outdoors, on the balcony. Lately I bought a few tiny canvases though - as small as 10x10cm and 20x20cm and thought that I could (at least for a change) do some acrylics; I was in an experimenting mood you see! Even though I was trying to be cool, the piece was loaded with a lot of expectations and fears so it's no wonder that I had a hard time enjoying the process. Even now my mind tells me "you see? You really shouldn't had us

Today I kept listening to smashing pumpkins covers, and kept trying to capture a good image of the acrylics painting I've been trying to photograph. Despite the drag, I managed to break a negative-streak of iPading and finally did some watercolors! I find it a very balanced piece, and something that is clearly my style (who would had thought that I have one). Still it doesn't feel like it's breaking any new grounds or telling some profound truth; I'm starting to build the negative narrative that these pieces are a form of cheap sellouts and whenever I do them I've been taking the easy road. I need to work on that judgement since it's not helping me. Or if I can't, then I'd better stop doing such pieces altogether, maybe they are a sellout! So let's take a step back and see what was good about today: It's a personal style alright; It's something of my own, not something that I've seen, something that I have artificially created but it'

So I finally finished going through my artwork. It's funny; when merely skim-looking at it, it feels as if those past few years I haven't done much and feel disappointed. But now that I had to go through them, it's just ...too many. I wished I had less. I isolated 300-400 pieces that are more than mere doodles or practice sheets. That's pretty neat. I'm especially glad that I've decided to be archiving and editing the pieces when I finish them since I wouldn't had been able to go through all that stuff without it having been in already good state. Going through my early blog sessions I realized how good it had been taking beautyshots of the sketchbook pieces back then. Such a pity that I didn't keep the habit alive. I wonder whether beautyshots would be more interesting for this blog, instead of head-on shots. I also spent a few hours (how casually I hurl out such a phrase - "a few hours - probably 5,8 or 10 hours") trying to photograph and cr

So here we are today; I feel exhausted. I spent the day photographing one of the acrylic pieces of the summer that had really been worrying me. I finally did it! Two more more to go, more difficult than this one, but hoepfully in due time I'll have everything done. I find very interesting how exhausted I'm feeling now. There was the urge to paint (seeing my old piece I want to do something equal) but I can't, I'm spent. Was photographing the source of this tiredness? Was it something else? I don't know. This is probably one of the top 10 days, that I've come closest to not painting anything. And yet I did! For today, just one sheet of brushpen strokes; how I love these oscillating waves! Momentarily I had the vision of doing it on large paper with a large brush. I need to find a way and spend less time "archiving" and more time painting; it's almost silly. Can't say I'm not worried since I'm thinking of opening an instagram account and

Today I did the above 3-point perspective scene. I wasn't knowing where it was getting when I started and to be honest I don't think I'll be resuming it, but it was nice for exercise! I'm quite satisfied with it; usually my attemps reach a point that something (some error along the way, or the accumulation of tiny errors) doesn't work and I have to give it up. Plus, this time I had 3-4 different sets of vanishing points on the same plane which I rarely manage to pull off, mainly because of the previous issue - It usually falls apart on the first set, before I get the chance to play around with more vanishing points. I'm truly proud of how I pulled of the complexity of it. Another source of satisfaction is the fact that I revisited perspective; it was a technical drawing day, something I hadn't time in a long time and yet I feel I need to keep it alive; I'm also cultivating a sense of intuition about perspective which I hope will allow me to stop the anal

Today's highlight has been this explorative piece that I did with the new iPad. The new apple pencil, has a button (unlike the first which had none). This allowed me to remap some other functions, and I suddeny have an ever more streamlined way of switching between drawing, erasing, and smudging (that I hadn't used until now) in an instant! I enjoyed a lot creating this piece (though I don't like it much), feeling a lot in command of everything down to the texture. What's most important though is that the details were coming easily. As if I was discovering the details of the architecture. This is my favourite way of painting/drawing! How I wish this was more frequent! I even got somewhat transported to that realm. The rest of the sheets are my attempts at comparing the two ipads/pencils; the old and the new one. I'm a tools-guy. I still like the old so much more but I hope I get used to the new one since spec-wise it's so much much better. Both sheets, carry ve

Today I spent the day photographing the finalized piece, and stitching it and only now did I find the time to do some doodling. I can feel a lot of frustration and need to just go watch a movie and rest that I know I shouldn't push myself. I did this simple doodle which was already a lot given the internal pressure and now I call it a day.

Today I think I've finished the latest pastel piece. I enjoyed it thorougly and used pastels vigorously something I'm realizing I find very intriguing. The difficulty is trying to make it stick and not crumble. In any case next time I'll see whether I need any extra work on the piece or not. I've also done some test prints of the dynamic complex and am I fairly satisfied. In the evening, I was testing both my ipads and apple pencils (since I'm migrating to a newer iPad model) and filled two sheets of doodles. Nothing outstanding (I've been dead tired too) but I feel more and more desire to resume studying anatomy. Time for rest!

Today I resumed working the Underwater Kingdom piece. I did only minor additions; rendering in more detail the fungii in the foreground and giving some sheen to the metal spaceship. I'm having lots of fun rendering textures and materials and I'm starting to see avenues in which I could up my game. In any case, I think what I like the least about this composition is the head of the diver. I might have to correct it at some point. A final remark, I was pleasantly surprised when I toggled the between the current and the initial version of the image; It looked so ugly, or probably (since I liked it back then) it looks so much better now! Time for rest

Last night I watched Alfonso Cuaron's Great Expectations adaptation and it left me wanting to start working big again. These days (after revisiting the pieces that I did) I feel constantly the urge. For now this isn't possible. In any case, since I had wrapped up the last piece I started a new one today. I enjoyed the dynamism and the colors (I open my new 60-pieces pastel kit and couldn't contain my glee). Time for bed, and I wanted to test something out on the ipad so I ended up doodling some symbolic birds. I call them symbolic since they are trying to become birds but in reality they are what I imagine a bird to be; not through observation, but through all these years of NOT observing them. I find this very interesting; it's a theme I allow my mind to play out. In any case, at some point I'll start observing them.

I suddenly felt very sleepy and couldn't work. Perhaps I overexerted myself doing shopping or whatever. In any case, I picked up my sketchbook and my pentel pockebrush and did some doodling. At first I did some patterns and drew a thigh around them, making them into a tatoo; However I put it on pause because I wasn't alone and started feeling shame(!) and moved onto another sketch. I did lots of limbs, and organic forms with hatching shading. Towards the end I expanded it downwards to cover the whole the page to make it a composition. It looks nice now that I see it. I want to study the human body more and take the guesswork out of it though. In any case, the highlight of the day has been that I did draw. And now I have to go since I feel too tired to even concentrate on typing.

Today I got my original apple pencil back and wanted to test it out. Perhaps this was just an excuse so that I don't start any new piece; though truth be told I finally fixated the piece called complex dynamics, signed it and did the very very enjoyable equivalent to unwrapping/unboxing a new toy: removed the dirty masking tape from around and seeing it in its full glory! It's always an exciting momen, seeing the piece you had been working on for so long, with different eyes and this gave me lots of inspiration to start something new! I also did lots of maintainance stuff, going through my large artworks and putting them in order. It was very exciting seeing my work from that period after so many months of them being hidden away! How I wish I could work big again! In any case, today's work was iPad work. Unlike yesterday that I did disorganized stuff, today I focused on more complete scenes; I did lots of perspective stuff; from characters with foreshortening, vevicles, be

So after a long long time, I logged back onto discord and did some freestyle doodling. I notice now that there is a lot of performance anxiety related to it, something I wasn't really aware until now. I wonder how it will be on the day that I feel I don't need to prove anything and just doodle for the fun of it, while enjoying company. Regardind the work, despite warming up with circles, curves and stubly strokes, it took me quite some time to feel comfortable with drawing on the display and even to the very end, I wasn't very precise in my control. Faces and postures were coming out awkward throughout but I guess that's the price of not practicing for a long time. In any case I'm pleased that I did a bit of recap, from composition, perspective, to gestures, creatures, hands, heads, monochrome shading and silhouettes and I also got to advance a bit in my spooky branches-painting technique (seen in the black probe at the bottom right of the sheet just above the ride

I'm experimenting with breaking routine and letting go as of today. I decided not to interfere with painting since this is too big to give up, but I found the courage to put aside other stuff. Thanks to this newfound ability to ...be lazy, I didn't paint today though I wasn't doing anything whatsoever - Still, even at this hour I did a little something. I sketched a scene of quietude and routine. I enjoyed that I drew tree outlines, figures going about their business (particularly that lady with the kid and the basket). While (once again) the last few strokes tipped it off balance (some very thick lines and dark patches in the background) I'm happy with it. I also enjoyed that while painting I would try envisioning in details what I'm going to paint next; Emphasis to the distinction between envisioning the actual form of somethin and merely deciding on what (notion) I will be depicting. I quickly gave up, but I had the chance to realize that I might want to explore

I'm happy about today's piece. It's not so much about the piece (still there's much to like about it) but mostly about the fact that I did some watercolors. It had been 8 days that I hadn't done anything proper using watercolors and I was starting to fear. Fear... fear what? I can't really explain this (though I'm sure there is something important in it) but there is a fear that I'm not capable of something anymore. I've seen it over and over again, in so many aspects of my life; the confidence in my ability in doing something, wears out too fast after succeeding in it, having to prove myself anew constantly. Anyway, today's piece, put my mind to peace (hah). I enjoyed the process of making it (and while it was quite fast - maybe 45-60mins?) I liked the overall aesthetics aswell as the line flow. This kind of lines, are definitely something deeply in my physche. Anyway, enough for today!

Today has been particularly short session, for some reason I can't even bother. A part of me is afraid (from afar) that if I don't care, I'll end up giving it up, but then again another part of me sees that I'm somewhat fatigued and building momentum and inspiration is far more important than another day doing something. Truth be told I didn't have much time today, so I'll take this one sheet as something good. I liked trying to create 3D shapes and simplistic figures, this is probably the closest I've done to a playground in a long time! Today I also (finally) managed to photograph the last pastel piece but I'm not sure this is the photomosaic I'll keep since the sky was saturated with dust and this affects the color-spectrum somewhat.

Another day doing sketches. Admittedly this was a choice of practicality and laziness. On one hand I wanted to avoid the iPad and stay analog, and on the other hand I could't carry colors with me so I decided to give in to my boredom. I'm bored these days, I admit it. I need to find tricks to make it all more exciting! In part it is because I've been disappointed by the work I did last 3-4 years. While I have painted north of 75% of all days in the period, I don't have more than 200 "complete" pieces that I can show for. I have endless doodles, and sketches and the rest, but pieces are much more scarce. And my criterion of what consists a finalized piece is very very low. This whole realization has brought about a disappointment and a fear the productivity can't go up which now is expressed as boredom. Anyway... Today's pieces, have been a return to black'n'white landscapes that I had been producing at some point. I tried to stay loose, and c

Today I went really lo-fi. I don't know why I did this, I decided to do an ink-sketch on my sketchbook and then add a bit of watercolors to it. It isn't the best paper, so I'm not sure what I was expecting; the paper buckled quite a lot. Then again, maybe that was the whole point. Something that could never become a "product" and yet, something that would brighten, and beautify my dull sketchbook - a low yardstick. After all, this illustration might had been uninteresting on itsown, but adds quite a lot to the sketchbook. These are all rationalizations, since the moment I put my pentel pocketbrush on the paper, I wasn't even sure how much time I'd be spending on the piece. I was preparing for a very short session. Eventually it wasn't long, but wasn't too short either (perhaps 45 or 60mins? might had been close to two hours). I enjoyed it immensely - now I crave for a second piece but I'd rather not start; it's already too late. I enjoyed