The Hideous Portrait: An Artistic Journey,
warts and all.

A short post for today since I need to go to bed; I'm happy that for once I've managed to limit my daily painting allowing myself to go to bed earlier.  While doing the practice of the day I wasn't very happy about what I was creating, but seing them afterwards, they are not that bad, and all that given that I've stopped relying on first drawing the skeleton - I seem able to draw postures without it. I still struggle with proportions but eventually they don't look that bad. I'm also getting more and more accustomed to the leg and buttock muscles and I'm starting investigate those of the arm too.

I finally went to the beach alone, which allowed me bring my painting stuff. I first did a sketch with my calligraphy pocket brush of the iconic casino building that I had been eyeing quite some time now. I was very satisfied; First of all I feel the likeness is there, and I like the noisy details on the ground level and particularly the umbrellas on the left side: some are white on dark, some dark on white! This light/shadow play is my favourite! After that, I did a quick watercolor sketch of three figures standing on a slope. I liked the process in this one, more than the result; I tried painting only the shadows of the figures. Finally I did a payne's gray watercolor painting (sketch, whatever) of the aquarium building. I like this one quite a lot; I think I've captured the likeness of the buildings and I like the contrast in the forground being more than the background's - another application of atmospheric perspective. Later on I did my daily (it's apparently

Another early-morning insomnia. Faithful to my character, I immediately jumped to repeat yesterday's left-hand success and then tried some automatic drawing. I did three pieces, some would call them sketches; I like to think of them as something complete. All three likable in their own sense. In the evening I did my "daily gesture, posture and hand practice". To be honest I wasn't very happy with my evening practice and somehow I had completely forgotten my morning (more creative) attempts. I still feel like I did nothing today though I can't pinpoint it. But this isn't true: I did three creative piece, which should be in itself the achievement of the day, they had personality and I found them intriguing, and practice, was thorough - I even did ellipses and lines. Be satisfied myself.

So here we are, it's already 5:30am and I'm just starting the write the blog-post for the day. I'm late by 3-4h. Not a good start. Still: In the morning I had a bout of insomnia so eventually I got up and started drawing. I was going to do some automatic drawing (it's long now that I've lost interesting in doing self-portraits) when I realized that I could incorporate human figures in it! It was an automatic crowd around a bonfire; perhaps the burning man festival? Later on, I went and did another scene full of bodies which I'll call for now "60s american beach". As if I would know. The bodies that came out of my imagination during the morning insomnia were very exciting! Until now I was starting with the skeleton and fleshing it out. I wasn't able to finish 5 such bodies, let alone 20 or 30! Now this is so much faster, and while not as precise, the bodies are very expressive and sensual! Definitely inspired by Crepax' comics that I

I was hoping I'd go to bed early - by 1:30am I was already sleepy and pretty much done. Then I ended up on skype, and 1h of gesture practice and here we are, once again ..late. It's still "okay". How long has it been since I last watched a movie? Six days. It's not that much, but then again it isn't very little either. It hasn't bothered me thus far, I hadn't even thought about it, but I can see it down the road. It seems to be a pattern; I get overworked and no fun, and then I slowly start resenting it. Let's see how the next posts are. Anyway, regarding the day's work, I did the "pencils" and the "inks" of the panels that I was meant to do. I'm satisfied with them; I love the pencils so much more than the inks actually; I wish I didn't have to be too tight, and stay loose! Come to think about it, I haven't included them here though supposedly I include everything. Then again, I only include what is visible;

So where do I start today? Probably this is the most creative day in months, probably since last year same period that I was on a comic-making retreat with friends. We are talking about creative rush. So much, that I forgot to do my daily gesture practice (of which I did 5 minutes just now for the sake of it). I'm very very happy about all this. So where do I start? Today I went online in my new-found discord "tribe" and started streaming my iPad screen. I decided to start doodling with my favorite brush in black and white and filled a sheet with various nice things such as the "hoarder Samurai king and the tired knight who came to get his stuff back by force" or the "the ostrich-rider in the desert". What do I particularly like about these two? First of all the fact that it's some creative random outpouring like I so much enjoy (I didn't know what I was making, I was just doing light-and-dark play). This is my favorite drawing style. Rand

I've never been into online communities; I've never been into communities in general. Not that I wouldn't want to, but communities never came my way, and those that did, just didn't stick. Now I've discovered discord, and the online artistic communities thriving in the place, and thanks to the live streaming, you get a sense of real people working there! Very interesting. Anyway, here's my output for the day - gestures and postures, hands, a sheet of random doodles and some more logos. I feel very tired, but I did the work and then some. Some other day I might be even more happy about what I've done.  Okay, if I need to find some highlights,  I like the microscopic figures in the doodles-sheet and the improvement when doing hands in the gestures/postures sheet. Speaking of posture I hope to learn how to draw postures without drawing the skeleton first!

so today has been a day of lots and lots of posture practice; Perhaps had to do with yesterday's "crisis" or with the fact that I was discovering a discord community and somehow fell into an posture practice class and decided to take part. Anyway, what do I like about today? I like the postures, especially the second sheet where I was already warmed up. A few poses feel very fleshed out. I also like the the reptilian in the water, it feels very story-rich and I satisfied with the overall perspective. I particularly like the limbs. And now, time for bed...

I'm annoyed by how I'm approaching the 90 days, and I can't seem to be able to stop. It's not that doodling is the most taxing thing these days; after all I have no job ...oh cramps, I just remembered that I haven't done anything for the daily gesture/posture drawing streak (it's 16th day in a row).  Now it's getting taxing; It's already 2:35am and I've done my dues (probably around 2h today) - I barely had enough time to watch some 45min anime and now I realize I have to do hit the 30 minutes milestone of extra posture practice. The annoying thing, is that I already did posture/gesture practice with actual people at the beach, so in theory, I've done my dues, but the quickposes timer didn't count it. And I could run quickposes in the background, for 20-30minutes (which is pretty much how long I practiced today) but it feels like cheating. Arggh, I'm angry. Cheating what? Whom? This is absurd, like so many other things in my head. Damn m

Meh, I had hoped that I'd be back early to do something more creative, but eventually I didn't so I'll have do with the postures/gestures practice and a few doodles. I'm still interested in getting a grasp of the leg muscles, and ways to make elegant small/flat characters (without much detail, and without starting with a skeleton). I enjoyed the warrior characters that I drew and I like how they were so different from the typical postures I had been practicing with. Funny how I unintentionally limited myself so much!

Finally, a breath! Blessed be insomnia! I woke up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm sure now that even the slightest subconscious stressor like expecting mail is sending me into insomnia) and decided that since I couldn't sleep, I'd rather get up and do another self-portrait... I wasn't very enthusiastic about it, so instead I decided to explore some "light" starting something with color. I first made the background and then decided to add something in the foreground, and it all came together perfectly. The subdued colors of the vista and the saturated and contrasty colors of the foreground; I'm super excited! Probably I've never done anything so skilled color-wise. Now truth be told, it's just a fluke. It's not that I planned it, or that I start with lesser expectations any other day, but it's just that once in a long long while, thinks just "flow" and something nice comes out. I don't know how to do it again. What do I like?

I feel bad about once again focusing on keeping my streak in posture/gesture drawing to the detriment of anything creative. Then again today I started with "two panels" of random vehiles, scenes into perspective and characters so I guess that is something! Anyway, what do I like about today's attempts? I like the  scenes in perspective, the female limbs and I also like how hands are improving. Finally I see that if I give myself time (5mins in this case) I can draw a pretty skeleton/posture.

Funny how today I didn't have the time to do my practice early in the day (which wasn't the norm until a few days ago), and I was too tired in the evening to do it. Eventually I did it, tricking myself in doing 20minutes and then an extra 10minutes so I don't lose the streak. You see, I'm more concerned with completionism than actually painting. Anyway. I'm not proud of the results today, but I'm proud that I did it! And if I look at it, there is nothing particularly ugly, so well done myself.

What can I say, it's turned it the least effort path: Doing daily "practice" and not having to be more creative. I've somehow managed to do gesture drawing early in the day which theoretically allows me to do something more creative in the evening, but what I end up doing is even more practice. Anyway, let's say that for now this is the best I can do. It's something too; there is progress - Since discovered the new batches of photos, there are new and interesting poses. I am also focusing more to the specifics of the female body and I'm trying to get better at the anatomy, and better at simplifying too while retaining the sensuality. Todays postures don't look as good as the ones I'm used to, but I feel it an improvement nonetheless. What else? I'm trying to produce cleaner silhouettes too hoping that one day, there won't be any excess lines.

So let's see; Lately I'm trying to do part of the daily posture practice during the daytime so I have less to do in the evening in hopes that I might get to watch a movie someday. I hope that day is today! First success for the day is that when the evening came, I realized I still don't have time to both draw a painting and watch a movie, and decided that enough is enough and a movie is higher priority. So I wrapped up my daily practice (for it to count on my streak) and now I'm ready to go on watching my movie. Farewell. Oh, what is good? Other than the above, postures are still consistent, hands are improving and I discovered other batches of more interesting postures that I can't wait to explore further!

So let's see. I think I'm losing motivation. My motivation has shifted to not losing my streaks (and coincidentally improving my postures drawings) and there is a lack of interest for anything remotely creative. If at the beginning of the period I was not worried, now I'm very worried. I'm also demotivated (of course, I've mentioned that again). I wonder what will it take to reignite my interest in actual painting. Come to think of it, I still haven't managed to paint outdoors in a long long time. Anyway: My postures seem more consistent than they used to be (and even though the second sheet that is from imagination looks seriously more unnatural) I'm still happy that now the "unnatural" is of that level. I'm also trying to nail down the muscles of the legs and buttocks; no luck yet, but I enjoy the exploration. When I get bored trying to do it by myself, I might open Andrew Loomis' books, and aid myself.

It's been very frustrating that I still haven't found the time to watch a movie. Both painting and movies compete for my past-midnight freetime and though today I had the opportunity to do the gesture practice in the afternoon, doing the painting past midnight was enough to once again make it impossible for me to find the time for a movie. I feel it's been building up for far too long; drawing every day, is a fortunate development as far as my progress is concerned (or so I hope) but my mental health? It doesn't help much. I feel in need a break, vacation, a weekend, call it whatever; I need to find more time for fun in my day, and definitely painting doesn't even come close. At the very best it's surprising, satisfying or educational. I feel very sad and frustrated inside. Anyway, since this is not my mental health diary, aside from reiterating the fact that my artistic development is competing against my happiness, I'll proceed to reviewing the merits of m