day #365 - the end of an era

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I thought I was on top of it; I had finished early and was looking for a movie to watch already 3 hours ago. And I don't know how time went by. A phonecall, some networking studying, some online shopping and here we are, already past the time for an early movie. Regardless, today is a special day. The blog is over! I finished 365 days of daily painting and recording it, whatever that means. A big part of the process I will have to keep doing mainly for myself. Perhaps taking daily photos of my work and saving it on some folder. This has provem useful many times when I trying to date a piece I've been working on. Also making a small diary of today's achievements. It's still useful. But this will be done for my eyes only. I also don't know if I will be continuing my obsessively daily painting. How would life be if I had days off? Now for example that I'm moving out and I have to daily chores that until now were completely taken care of, perhaps I'll allow my
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day #306 - Timid and Tender

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Today I wanted to start a new piece with pastels but unfortunately I have already three pieces underway so I didn't have the possibility to start a forth. It was a very frustrating experience being so limited, when I knew so well that I wanted to work big and loose. Eventually I picked up the least precious of them all (the latest one) and decided to work on it. Only that it would not come easily. I felt very stressed (what if I ruin it? What positive addition can I do here?) and for 10-20minutes I was merely looking at the paper in turmoil. Eventually I decided to jump in and do something. I merely refined details hoping that I won't be doing anything destructive.
It's very frustrating worrying about ruining a piece (hence I realize me "single session" rule), and it was even more so since I was petrified of ruining a piece that I wasn't supposedly "attached to" (not even happy about)! Apparently I was very attached. I worked a bit, trying to make the white paper disappear and then put it away. I had been stressing too much.
Days like today are ...difficult to say the least. I lose all confidence, all heart, all hope. (On a positive note, now that I'm writing that I can feel some space in me questioning whether this is a dispairng state that I can get either learn to get out of or learn to wait for it to pass). But I do get angry at myself for not being able to take things more relaxed. What are the reasons I've become so afraid? I keep despairing that I can't risk/experiment ruining a piece. I am afriad to get the carpet dirty, to spend too much money on materials. Such limitations! It is very obvious to me lately, how these limitation are preventing my creativity on a very practical level. How each brushstroke carries navigating around a whole minefield of "No"s. They certainly are internal ones, but they are so extensive that I don't know how to work with them. At times, I feel that I'm no artist material; artists should be free, should be daring, experimenting, pioneers. And I'm a mess. Today, I need lots of self-love.
Today's work despite it's negativity, has the positive aspect that I because concious enough about it, to verbalize it and involved an interesting realization: That perhaps, days that I feel particularly restrained are good days to work on finetuning pieces (technique) whereas days I feel bolder are good for creating. Plus, not days are equal! If today was such a day, perhaps tomorrow won't.
Later on, I completely forgot about these struggles (which is beautifully uplifting), and I even did some sketching on the ipad. Some interesting hands, faces and a bit of perspective. My day also included lots of work around creating beautyshots for instagram and studying some comperative anatomy (finally!). Time for rest.

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