day #365 - the end of an era

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I thought I was on top of it; I had finished early and was looking for a movie to watch already 3 hours ago. And I don't know how time went by. A phonecall, some networking studying, some online shopping and here we are, already past the time for an early movie. Regardless, today is a special day. The blog is over! I finished 365 days of daily painting and recording it, whatever that means. A big part of the process I will have to keep doing mainly for myself. Perhaps taking daily photos of my work and saving it on some folder. This has provem useful many times when I trying to date a piece I've been working on. Also making a small diary of today's achievements. It's still useful. But this will be done for my eyes only. I also don't know if I will be continuing my obsessively daily painting. How would life be if I had days off? Now for example that I'm moving out and I have to daily chores that until now were completely taken care of, perhaps I'll allow my
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Day #5 - Values

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I was ready to go to bed; this had been one of those very tiring days that I'd normally go to bed early. And then I remembered that I hadn't painted or drawn anything today (yet I was cleaning up a space that was to be my first every studio!). I felt like I needed something safe. I'm always ashamed when I pick safe things to paint. I started with some doodles - characters, vehicles... I was to bored, but I couldn't present another sheet of doodle. I decided to add some color. I played a bit with two-tones and values; it was an overall insecure process; until I reached the composition at the bottom. This one just clicked. The values, the grass, the background. I enjoyed it a lot. Suddenly I had long exceeded my initial plan to just pick up the brush.

It's not a story about making it another day and not breaking the painting streak. It's a story about not being able to let go. About getting too attached to certain things, to my own detriment. I was tired, I had made no commitment anywhere that I should draw every day (as I write, I don't even have an audience; and probably won't be for months or years and in small numbers), and yet I felt to afraid to not paint for one day. I've paid the price for this, many times in the past 2 years; I had to stop painting, wait for a few days or weeks and then start anew, with a different mindset. It starts by realizing that you derive satisfaction and pride at the end results or work ethic (never skipping practice is a typical one). Then it becomes all about that; there is no longer any pleasure in painting which becomes an unpleasant chore. By that time, you are bound to lose; it gets more and more strenuous, and more and more difficult to keep up with the goal (that is always something open-ended like never miss a practice, draw every day better than yesterday, do gesture studies at least 20mins every day, draw more hours today, than any previous day).

Such times I have to give myself a break, empathize with myself, and rediscover what I enjoy in art making. It's still something I'm trying to understand. Variety in themes, and media is probably what works best. Sometime I need to consciously break a "streak" so as to remind myself practically that this is not my goal. My goal is building sustainable inspiration and joy, so that I can keep drawing, and improving.

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