Last night I went to bed under a lot of pressure. I was struggling with rigidness. On one hand I wasn't willing to post less systematically, and on the the other hand I wasn't willing to set a expiration date for this commitment. I was telling myself you will be doing it every single day for the rest of your life.
I didn't manage to soften it or understand the insistence. For now it's still going on as a perilous march.
Four years ago when I started therapy, it was psychotherapist the first person in my life to point out this very fact: You cannot be committing to something that is open-ended. Since then I've started a notebook where I write down all the things that I start along with the start date and when I finish them I write the end date. Even now however, I forget to set deadlines and for other projects such as this blog, I even forget to officially announce to myself that I've started.
Because I haven't. It's my fear of inescapable commitment that prevents me from committing readily to new tasks. Since my psyche has found a loophole; to commit implicitly. I've already done it three times the last 2 weeks. The blog for once, and two more long term project. And while outwardly I'd protest that "I'm not committing, I'm not even sure I am willing to do it", inwardly, I've saddled myself for the long ride.
Obsessiveness or rigidness, it visits my from time to time. The current working hypothesis is that I'm currently overworked. And like the tired kid, that is past his/her bedtime, instead of acting sleepy, I'm acting grumpy and hyperactive. I've also realized that I haven't had any form of fun in the last 2 months; except watching the last season of clone wars. No movies, no games, no laughing, no parties. I've had lots of rest, and lots of study, honing of skills and work, but fun? Excitement? Stimulation? Joy? It's been missing. Perhaps that's the culprit. Perhaps I'm overworked and dull.
Much later, I came back with a desire to paint and did some thumbnails. While I try to be very loose, I usually end up putting a lot of refinement. But I enjoy rendering imaginary landscapes. I'm happy about it. Now it's time finally for bed.
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