day #365 - the end of an era

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I thought I was on top of it; I had finished early and was looking for a movie to watch already 3 hours ago. And I don't know how time went by. A phonecall, some networking studying, some online shopping and here we are, already past the time for an early movie. Regardless, today is a special day. The blog is over! I finished 365 days of daily painting and recording it, whatever that means. A big part of the process I will have to keep doing mainly for myself. Perhaps taking daily photos of my work and saving it on some folder. This has provem useful many times when I trying to date a piece I've been working on. Also making a small diary of today's achievements. It's still useful. But this will be done for my eyes only. I also don't know if I will be continuing my obsessively daily painting. How would life be if I had days off? Now for example that I'm moving out and I have to daily chores that until now were completely taken care of, perhaps I'll allow my
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Day #9 - Slowing Down

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Last night I went to bed under a lot of pressure. I was struggling with rigidness. On one hand I wasn't willing to post less systematically, and on the the other hand I wasn't willing to set a expiration date for this commitment. I was telling myself you will be doing it every single day for the rest of your life.
I didn't manage to soften it or understand the insistence. For now it's still going on as a perilous march.
Four years ago when I started therapy, it was psychotherapist the first person in my life to point out this very fact: You cannot be committing to something that is open-ended. Since then I've started a notebook where I write down all the things that I start along with the start date and when I finish them I write the end date. Even now however, I forget to set deadlines and for other projects such as this blog, I even forget to officially announce to myself that I've started.

Because I haven't. It's my fear of inescapable commitment that prevents me from committing readily to new tasks. Since my psyche has found a loophole; to commit implicitly. I've already done it three times the last 2 weeks. The blog for once, and two more long term project. And while outwardly I'd protest that "I'm not committing, I'm not even sure I am willing to do it", inwardly, I've saddled myself for the long ride.

Obsessiveness or rigidness, it visits my from time to time. The current working hypothesis is that I'm currently overworked. And like the tired kid, that is past his/her bedtime, instead of acting sleepy, I'm acting grumpy and hyperactive. I've also realized that I haven't had any form of fun in the last 2 months; except watching the last season of clone wars. No movies, no games, no laughing, no parties. I've had lots of rest, and lots of study, honing of skills and work, but fun? Excitement? Stimulation? Joy? It's been missing. Perhaps that's the culprit. Perhaps I'm overworked and dull.

Much later, I came back with a desire to paint and did some thumbnails. While I try to be very loose, I usually end up putting a lot of refinement. But I enjoy rendering imaginary landscapes. I'm happy about it. Now it's time finally for bed.

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