day #365 - the end of an era

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I thought I was on top of it; I had finished early and was looking for a movie to watch already 3 hours ago. And I don't know how time went by. A phonecall, some networking studying, some online shopping and here we are, already past the time for an early movie. Regardless, today is a special day. The blog is over! I finished 365 days of daily painting and recording it, whatever that means. A big part of the process I will have to keep doing mainly for myself. Perhaps taking daily photos of my work and saving it on some folder. This has provem useful many times when I trying to date a piece I've been working on. Also making a small diary of today's achievements. It's still useful. But this will be done for my eyes only. I also don't know if I will be continuing my obsessively daily painting. How would life be if I had days off? Now for example that I'm moving out and I have to daily chores that until now were completely taken care of, perhaps I'll allow my
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day #46 - Drained

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Ouch, tough day. Tough day, because after the extremely positive feedback I got a few days ago, and the realization that perhaps technique-wise I'm okay, it no longer being the basic hurdle in expressing myself visually, I felt it's finally time I start putting the heart in my work: The narrative. I mean, I've been doing it over the last few months, but as a bonus in my daily-practice; how about making it the center-point of my daily practice, and technique the bonus one?

So it's been building up; the question "Am I good enough, to create a glimpse in a world? Am I good enough to narrate a story?". And at the same time, a fear would grow too, that "no, contrary to what people might think about me, I'm not good enough; decent craftsmanship comes out of as a fluke, an accident".

Today it was finally the day to give it a shot; I had built up all this enthusiasm after watching a couple videos in world-building and creativity, and I had some very vivid image from Isaac Asimov's "Second Foundation" book; so I both had something to visualize, the reason and the inspiration. And then it all went downhills.

I wasn't happy with my figure drawing, I wasn't happy about anything. Self-doubt was rampaging. "I'm not good enough". "I don't have a visual library in my head", "I am drawing rigid characters". "Even if I sketch it, I'll never render it successfully", "what am I gonna fill the walls with?","oh no, it feels nothing like some fluid self-expression","what was I thinking? It was a boring scene to start with how would I be able to make something remotely interesting out of it with my mediocrity?",""why bother?"... All that, and much more. I was debilitated, my back started hurting. I realized how unhappy I was and stood up for a bathroom break. Even that was courageous. And finally I got enough courage to take another breath and just give it a shot. I can't say I'm satisfied with anything today; though the scene eventually was not as empty as I felt it was going to be. There were benches, windows, a painting, a vase, and two soldiers. The perspective was functional too and Arcadia's posture wasn't that bad.

When I stopped I was drained. Ah the inner critics...
So what am I proud of today? For a start that I had the courage to attempt it. Trying to do some postures warming up above all, giving it a shot despite the very negative self-talk. The result too is fine; for storyboarding stuff. And now time to wrap up for today and give myself some kindness.

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