And here we are ladies and gentlemen: After a very productive day, I feel, completely useless. I feel as if I haven't done anything worthwhile, neither in terms of quality neither in that of quantity. It doesn't matter that I tried hard, it was a difficult painting topic, I did my best and sacrificed all my free time. Nope. What matters is that Today I just did a meager single painting (and even that was cut early) and not 4 or more like yesterday.
It's very disappointing. Very disappointing this tendency to transform every fluke into a flag to be upheld. Drawing two days in a row translating into "I need to draw every day or I'm nothing" and doing two pieces in one day translation into "I need to paint two pieces every day or I'm nothing". I feel tired. I feel angry, at myself.
At least I can see that whatever the mechanism, I really would like to be able to paint more. That much I can tell. Up to that point, there is a purity, innocence. I, would love if I could study/practice/paint more within a day. Not for the act of doing it, but at least so that I would get better at doing it. Yes, that too, I can say with confidence: I wish I would improve fast. If it meant not drawing at all, even better. So here it is:
I wish, I could be better; I wish I would become a better painter overall. I wish, I wish. And then it's also obvious that I feel I'm not good enough.
Good enough... for what? What is that that I should be good enough for? For everything. There is anxiety driven omnidirectional urge to become better - better storyboard artist, comics artist, fine arts painter, vehicle designer, character designer, animator ... just better.
It's a wall. I can't see why I need to be better in everything. Here is a silent voice in my head saying "to deserve to be happy of course! to be able to enjoy life".
Anyway it's been a difficult day and I'm not making it easier. But let's see, what are the good things I can find and say about my art and myself today? For a start, I did go out, and I did paint. I showed up! It wasn't something easy to do, it wasn't. And yet I did it. And then I tried to reproduce a very complex composition of transparent leaves on rocks, with light shafts illuminating some of them from them back, while leaving other in the dark. Using watercolors, that only allow for darkening of values. It was a challenge, and I wasn't very successful; but if I look at it, it's not that bad of a sketch/painting. There are nice leaves, leave formations in the background, interesting colors too. And I've managed to create the illusion of darker leaves layering with lit leaves. I feel this is something that I will be able to use in my following paintings. Might not be 100%, but it a +1% on top of where I was until now.
Perhaps in some months time, I might even look at it, having forgotten the original failure and be able to appreciate the interesting interplay of big masses and fine details at the center!
Time for bed.
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