Today has been one of the most significant days in my painting thus far. It's a minor thing, but it was a huge inner obstacle that I overcame! I got up early and was in desparate need to paint something big and new, but didn't have unused wooden boards. And I finally did it (after a lot of inner turmoil)! I went and bought 4 wooden boards and I started a new piece. Not only that, but the piece was something I hadn't attempted on many levels before: An figurative painting image came to my mind and I set out to do it. A huge risk. This is one of the days that I realized that one of my positive artistic traits is that I'm not afraid to experiment. Then again, I'm a nobody. Perhaps it would be difficult if I was a name to uphold. Come to think about it, I certainly would.
Still, compared to many people not so far advanced in their careers compared to me, are very careful in their steps. This is another indication why I never repeat the same work; every piece is a new world. Some are better, some are worse. I try to practice everything so that I'm as prepared as possible for when it's time for the performance. But the performance is a performance. It's an improvisation. So that is something to keep in mind about myself.
The painting itself turned out decent - not too good but not bad either; it also hasn't reached the point that it has come alive, but at the same time, it's already inside the "interesting" zone. And while far from finished, I'm not too worried about it. Next time I pick it up, it might fail, it might succeed but I'm okay with it.
Of course there was a lot of conflict while starting it, hence the whole eulogy of my "risk-embracing" artistic tendencies: Me? Doing a piece with specific vision? And specifically a portrait? With my limited anatomy skills all based on cartoons? How would I ever dare exhibit this piece on my instagram? I am not even using references, how am I going to pull it off? They are going to laugh at me. Perhaps I should spent some years doing body studies before I can do that. It's another thing doing abstract things, and another going for something specific, something realistic and something that is humane.
And yet, as I was thinking this shitstorm, I kept at it. I kept painting and now it's at a point that it's looking interesting! I'm proud. Maybe it was a fluke but I did overcome my fear, I did discover things about myself, I did build self-confidence, I did something new and interesting, and I did learn a new way of working with pastels!
Now that I'm seeing the image again, I realize it's looking very grotesque! I thought the colors had more subtlety in their variations but perhaps it's the indoors light that doesn't do it justice! In any case, I'm standing by it and at least, now I know that there is no fear of it getting worse, so hurrah!
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