I don't think I've been that exhausted in months! Today I got up by my insomnia and instead of drawing a self-portrait or anything, I did some brainstorming on what I could present in an exhibition that I had until today to submit my proposed artwork. I went deeper into the philosophical aspect of what I was going to say and managed to get a direction towards some practical way. Eventually I spent many more hours trying to make it work but didn't come up with anything. There is a big chance that in part this is due to the tiredness. After a lot of turmoil I've decided to not take part (I had wanted this year to take part only if it comes effortlessly, not through force). There are a lot of painful things about the decision; the FOMO, the feeling that I'm not doing my dues for an artistic path, the breaking of a streak (I took part in both previous year exhibitions). Additionally feelings that I'm disappointing certain people around me, and a fear that I'm taking the "easy way", I'm being lazy and giving in.
On the other hand, I must remember (hard to ...) that my initial approach was that I won't participate unless it comes from within. Of course now I am thinking "what soft of fart-speak is this? nothing comes easy to you, it's probably your character/personality/destiny/way that things need lots of internal friction, whereas "ease", means quitting/giving up and nothing more. Plus, this is too rare an opportunity to risk it, for such a ridiculous experiment!
It hurts a lot. I need the artistic opportunities in my life, I spend my days practicing postures - can't even be remotely creative. Plus that I'm not so convinced that I belong in the world of industry artists (movies, video games) and I like flirting the fine arts world. On the other hand, I equally need the freedom of going by the flow, I've dying to get it to work.
And there is another thing, the fear, the fear of delivering something unelaborate, something mediocre - and I can somewhat see it here, preventing me from taking part. Because it's not that I don't have practical ideas; it's that I worry they will turn out ugly. Then again, how do I know? perhaps if it starts ugly, if it starts with a simple implementation, it might get beautiful and/or elaborate in the process! I won't know unless I try. And this hurts a lot too, because for all my life, I've been avoiding exposure unless something is "good enough". I've been very careful not to be mediocre. And I find this very disturbing, because it's equally (if no more) big issue that I need to work on: Expose my true, mediocre self - not my overworked sheltered persona, and what best opportunity than a half-baked, humble attempt? So here it is, perhaps this is the most horrible prospect that I'm afraid of: that I can combine a) say yes to the creative opportunity, at the same time b) working on humbling exposure and authenticity and c) because I don't overexert myself, I get to go by the flow.
I am afraid I know my current task then... here it is. I have to say yes, that is the logical choice.
Anyway, let's shift focus to the 3 sheets of the day: The exhibition setup sketch looks (I think) clean enough, and I like that I have the opportunity to use one point perspective, silhouettes and 3d characters coming out of 2d planes!
Later I did some automatic sketching to unwind a bit. I liked the variety of weights and strokes that the brushpen gives me and up to one point I liked the composition: there was something being formed. Later on this completely fell apart.
The gestures of the day were 45sec ones, and I like how suggestive they were. Postures are okay too, though for most I didn't get to finish them meaning I was too slow; I went slower in the end, and tried to approach it as silhouettes which worked slightly better. I wish I had more time and energy but alas. Anyway! Progress of the day, is related to drawing buttocks something I'm starting noticing on people too!
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