The Hideous Portrait: An Artistic Journey,
warts and all.

Today I tried photographing the finalized Complex Dynamics piece, but the weather didn't allow so I'll try again tomorrow. I did however do some work cleaning up my archive and in the process did revisit works from old. I'm somewhat happy seeing that my work from 2012-2016 no looks good in my eyes: that means I've improved! I can't say the same for my work from 2017 but then again maybe these things can be seen only from afar. I sure hope so! Inspired by last night's speedy doodles, I decided to indulge in the same today aswell. Did numerous faces, creatures, scenes, all in all very satisfying. Though I feel my consistency lacking, and value compositions weak, I know it was only because I hadn't done any doodling in a long time; it wasn't only until the very end that I rememebered how much I like shading! In any case, I like the richness of designs, and the dynamicism in many of the postures and creatures and I'm surprised as always by how a few

Not the best mood today, but I managed to resume working on the piece; I fixed the thing I had already decided to and I believe I've now wrapped up. Tomorrow (or whenever) I'm going to verify everything is fine, do the photoshooting, and fixate it. It's been a long time that I haven't done any posture or "pretty girl" practice and today as I was feeling reluctant to get to bed, I decided to do a late night session of doodling. In retrospection I can't say whether this decision was because I'm used to speed-doodling on discord and my brain wanted to sustain the anxiety feeling that it was already feeling, or whether I was provoked (won't say inspired) by the movie King of Staten Island that I just watched where the protagonist was doodling and did a quite professional comic-styled superhero design, but despite the level of this work of his, he was turned down for a job at a tattoo shop where the owner told him "I could draw that well when I was

I think I finally finished today. I'll check next time and see if there is anything left to fix (already identified a couple of minor problem-areas by flipping the image on the computer screen). Today I mostly worked with highlights and the sense of material glossiness! Very interesting! That's all for now. Time for rest!

Today I did some sketching. An interesting character (with more feet that hands) where I let loose with my pentel pockebrush (it still excites me!) and a second where I (cold) practiced drawing a pretty-face and tried doing it from multiple angles. It's both a success and failure; the bottom view is outright ugly, but overall I was happy with the fact that I managed to maintain the characteristics somewhat stable across the views, and despite how rare it is that I draw faces nowadays, it came out half-decent. Another thing I liked about today is that my apetite for painting wanted more (but never got to it) - it's a good sign that I'm not overextending myself. Then again, it's also a sign that maybe(?) I'm not doing enough? In any case, since it's rare, I welcome it! I had to do a bit more for today, so I picked up my pen and filled this additional page.

Tonight, I feel different, I feel soft. I didn't manage to paint much (20mins or so in the afternoon) and while I was planning to resume in the evening I decided to change my plan and do something else. For a change, I don't feel guilty for it, but self-compassionate. It's okay. I accept the day as it is; 20mins of painting, yes, it does hurt, I do feel the fear of doing so little, I do feel the nagging "you're not doing the best effort" - I empathize with these voices; they want me to feel secure and happy, they want me to be creative, to progress, to make it, to be proud of myself. All well meaning, but today I should also celebrate the other, the liberating voice that is asking of me to move beyond "dutifulness" towards my craft, and towards a more joyous, free and kind approach to it. So here we are. 20 minutes, is a step in the right direction, my 266th step without losing a beat. It's small, reminding me that not all steps have to be strid

Today has been another satisfying day. I cought longer hours of light that usually and stopped working not because I run out of light, but because I felt I wasn't contributing anything. I'm starting to accept the idea that some things mature over time, and taking breaks is good. This piece feels almost done too. When I put my pastels away, I had decided that I'd look at it tomorrow and if nothing is glaringly ugly, I'd photograph, fixate and sign it. Eventually I found numerous minor issues both while looking at it later and on the computer so I'll be definitely retouching it tomorrow; but probably I won't need a second day. We'll see. In any case, I reached an interesting point: I could see myself continuing refining the piece, but then again I know I wasn't adding any real value to it, I was merely making it cleaner. I decided to invest that time to keep working on new stuff and improving - and perhaps allow myself in the future to reach this point of

Today, I invested my time (and the good weather) in tightening the piece I started a few weeks ago. It's still enjoyable working on it, and now that I'm starting to eliminate the "whiteness" off the paper it feels good. Breaking wrapping-paper bubble good. Then again, when I opened the image on my computer to post it, I discovered that the skin highlights look like eggs! I need to create more variety between the two shoulderblades, the shoulder, tricept and buttocks because it's looking ugly like that. Anyway, overall I like these final sessions of refinement, and also like discovering how much control I have over color and corrections compared to my initial assumptions!

Today's piece has been the closest I've done to a build-to-order piece. Not even remotely, but I had a specific situation and people to receive it in mind while making it, and not only that, but also there was a certain aspect of expectations to it! They had asked me for something with certain features. In other words, function? check. Specifications? check. A certain transactional element to it? Check! Anyway, There are many things about it that I like. The colors, the lushness, the free-style gibberish, curvy lines! Lot's of stuff that I enjoy. It's not one of my favourite pieces, neither the most exciting or experimental ones, but I like it. As a backstory, I was asked to give a painting to sweeten a deal, but I realized that at this point I cannot part with any pieces that I have made so far, so the only fair option would be to make something that will be made to be given. Perhaps like a surrogate mother of sorts.

Today I've obsessed over the jellyfish! After all these hours reworking them, I realize that comparing them to the last effort they don't look that good. Sucks. Anyway, I'll come back to it tomorrow. Other than that, working on the jellyfish today had been nice; I enjoyed rendering them and creating the luminous tentacles, plus I spent some time trying to create a brush that I really like. If seen alone, the jellyfish of today look very pretty.

I had big plans for today; somehow there was energy to work a bit on the underwater scene, and the start a little something with watercolors. I found the time to do only the first; it somehow consumed me. I can't say I'm dissatisfied; Nice things came out of today's efforts. Not stressful at all. I spent a long time working on the jellyfish but eventually nothing came out of it and I reverted to the original ones. But I also focused on lighting the fish (so fun!), adding detail to the dark parts of the cave and create some glimmers on the plant-shell at the front right that I'm extremely happy about! I feel like I'm getting a good better on both how to work with local colors, and how to create different surfaces in terms of shininess and wetness. I'm also starting to experiment with shimmering and iridescence and I'm very excited about it! With the confidence that "it feels controllable", it was easier scrapping (relatively) big parts of the paint

Without much friction, today I went out and resumed the last pastel piece I had put aside for a week or so (btw, I still have another piece half-finished; very glad that I have three wooden-boards nowadays). I was both pleased by the process of painting on that piece (ah, you can't beat the physicality of actual, tactile paint) and the result too. I feel it's coming along nicely. I've reached a point that I'm smoothing out the details, adding reflections and overally cleaning up the piece and this is both easy and pleasant. It feels fresh and alive too. At the same time, I can see some progress in regards to understanding how to work with pastels. I'm improving in other words. I wish all my pieces were like this one - both a pleasure to work on, very subconscious and yet very easy to read.

For a moment I was considering not doing anything today, and instead adopt the 50 pieces that I did right before falling asleep as work of the day; after all it was already 6am in the morning when I did them! Then I switched plans, so that I would merely doodle a bit. Eventually I just did some refinements to the underwater piece (worked the figure). If I can see someting good, it is that I didn't push myself too much. I just did a bit of work and called it a day. It's good being kind to oneself. On the other hand working on the piece has been very stressful and unsatisfying. Now that I'm verbalizing it, I wonder if removing the stress would restore the joy, or whether this is irrelevant, whether it's time to move on. This might be something good to test. I keep thinking that I need to become faster so that I can make more beautiful piece right from the get-go, since I can't find the motivation to keep refining them them. Another positive thing about today, is that

Third day, working on the same piece. I'm starting to fear that I might get iPad fatigue (since I have the experience of loosing my steam when working continuous days on the ipad). At the same time I can see it become more and more precious, meaning that placing strokes down is more taxing than before and that it no longer feels possible to be "repainting whole sections that I don't like" as I did the first day. Today I worked the ocean and the water surface mostly. The jellyfish look very unrealistic; I'll need to redo them. Working on the piece is no longer exciting, at this point I wish I could move on. A trick I've started practicing this year that I'm taking daily photos of my work, is to compare the piece's evolution over the sessions as I make it: This allows me to see the progress made, which is particularly important on days that I can't see it by myself without comparing them. Eventually, it's a relief knowing that the piece is somewh